I was driving home from a work event at 9:30 pm the night before my birthday. I was doing just fine, singing along to whatever song was on the radio, in that nice post-event-exhausted-but-exhilarated mood, when all of a sudden a memory popped into my head.
It was 13 years ago. A dark night, driving home from a hockey game 2 hours from home. Eve of my birthday and I drove across the bridge at midnight. My roommate was asleep in the passenger seat.
I like to remember it that I turned 22 in no state(physically on the boarder of two) by myself. Yes, she was there with me, but I was alone in my thoughts and the songs on the radio. I watched the clock turn to 12:00 and then 12:01. I didn’t feel anything. No different. No magical knowing that I was a year older. That I had made it through the previous year.
So much has changed since those silly college girls made that road trip. But so many things stay the same.
Do you ever feel let down by your birthday? Christmas? Your wedding day?
Aren’t these all monumental and you are supposed to feel … something. Something new. Something exciting. Something DIFFERENT.
You are still you.
Now another year older. Now in the midst of another holiday. Now with a person you’ve vowed to be with forever.
Things are supposed to be different. But, they are just the same. It’s just another day.
Sometimes that feels like a major let down. Another disappointment. And then, if you are like me, you feel super guilty for feeling let down. Guilt, disappointment, frustration, anger, sadness. They swirl together in this messy hurricane inside.
But, you are still here. You are still YOU. You can do this.
I am still me.
I am still here.
And sometimes… that’s enough.