By iamsandykay on June 6, 2017 ( 1 Comment )

Impostor Syndrome

I had originally planned to write something more fun and lighthearted for today, but this topic kept weaseling its way into my brain.

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud”.

Have you ever felt this way?

source

Maybe a little of this?

source

This has always been a problem for me. And it’s actually WORSE when I am trying to better myself. Like consciously I know that I have supportive people who would encourage me and cheer me on, but deep down I still feel like everyone is questioning why I’m trying to be something I’m not.

That’s what it always comes down to:

Am I something I am not?

Am I who I really am?

Am I who I WANT to be?

I love to learn. I love to be a student. I don’t understand what that voice is that pops up and questions who I think I am to be trying to be different.

Lately, it is directly related to my appearance – shallow, I am aware.

There are a couple of trends that I think I could embrace and that would work with my body type and style. BUT… there is a physical person who, not intending to be mean, comments on anything I change. She is not insulting, but it drives me nuts that it even is something that needs to be said. WHY IS MY HAIR A TOPIC OF CONVERSATION?!?! WHY do my shoes need to be commented on EVERY time I’m not in ballet flats? WHY is my height a thing?

Yes, these are all REGULAR things that get talked about. It shouldn’t matter one little bit, but it is irrationally irritating. Then I start to get self conscious and withdraw. Then my work starts to be affected and I question my abilities to do my job (which I do quite well, thankyouverymuch).

I hate this cycle.