By iamsandykay on January 10, 2023

On Comparison

To the influencer(s) on social media

Those who are deciding that they are not enjoying the “new year, new me,” “word of the year,” goal setting, and/or intentions that are everywhere right now. That’s okay. You don’t have to enjoy them. You don’t need to lean into the overwhelming nature of this time of year. You don’t need to feel discouraged if you are only surviving and definitely not thriving.

What is not okay is telling those who ARE trying to revamp their own lives that “there’s nothing wrong with sharing those [good things and achievements], but it can be discouraging for others.” You probably are amazing and great just the way you are and you do NOT need to compare yourself with anyone else, but you also do not need to tell anyone else to dim their light because yours isn’t shining as brightly as you’d like.

Personally, I spent the last three years surviving. There was no thriving. We were just barely getting through over here. But, I decided at the end of 2022 that I was tired of limping over the finish line of the year and I was going to make changes that work for ME to improve MY life. This is not a commentary on YOU and YOURS. At. All.

To the mom who felt disappointed that she didn’t send out Christmas cards this year

We were sitting in a mutual friend’s kitchen during a fun family holiday party. You saw our Christmas card displayed on their counter and said (out loud), “Why couldn’t I have gotten it together and done this this year?!?!”

My answer was and stays the same:
“First of all, I have ONE child and they are ELEVEN. You have a 6 month old and a 4-going-on-15 year old. I also work from home. Most importantly, I already had the photo and printed it on my own printer. You are not behind. You do not need to do anything like this. I missed so many years of Christmas cards when my kid was little – and only my mom cared. Cheers!”

You do NOT need to compare yourself to me or any other parent on the planet. You are not me. Your kid(s) is/are not my child. We do not have the same outlooks, philosophies, backgrounds, etc. We are not going to be exactly the same and that is SUCH. A. GOOD. THING. We are different people; Our kids are different people; and we’re all going to make this world better.

To the friend who asked how MyHusband and I don’t fight

First, let me catch my breath from laughing too hard and wipe these laughter-tears out of my eyes.

Now, to be VERY clear – we do not NOT fight. We fight. We argue. We hurt each other’s feelings. We say petty shit to each other because we know it will hurt (you hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you). We’ve been together for 15 years, married for 13. Anyone who is in a real relationship and says they never disagree, argue, or fight is probably not that IN their relationship.

The fairytales and stories and even our parents never told us growing up that relationships are HARD. Sometimes they suck. The ones that last are the ones where you cannot imagine being without the other person. This ONLY goes for consensual, non-abusive, non-toxic relationships. If you need support, call 800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. For those who want to make their relationship last, it’s all about communication. Over the decade and a half MyHusband and I have been together, we have had to UNlearn so many things that were imprinted on us a children, teens, young adults, etc. and LEARN how to be ourselves and how to be together. So much pain, tears, yelling, arguing, and considering giving up. It always came down to I still want to be here, with him.

You don’t need to look at other people’s relationships and thing, “Why aren’t we like that?” You do not know everything about someone else’s relationship – no matter what you’ve been told. You are not the same person as me or him, and your partner is not the same person as you, me, or anyone else. YOU have to learn to be with THEM. Together your relationship will be something unique and special and all together yours.